I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
