hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
