sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
