Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
