two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Randomize
