Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
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