I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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