please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
