I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
