foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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