my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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