so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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