so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk is not a location!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
