I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
