Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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