I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
