I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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