I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
