if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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