I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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