Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Success! We fucked roommates!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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