I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
