I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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