I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
