i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
