hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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