I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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