So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
