you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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