i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
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