Where is the hickey?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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