Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
