I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I pour the whiskey from now on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
