shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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