Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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