phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
