we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
