I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
