Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
