I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
