She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
