He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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