thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
