Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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