Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
