Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
