I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
