I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
