I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
