I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
