My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
