Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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