he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
